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The Replacements

Updated: Oct 3, 2023

In 2000 film The Replacements, fictional American Football team The Washington Sentinels go on strike because of vacuous and greedy demands. As a result the team bring in "replacements" from outside of the game to fulfil their fixtures, led by Keanu Reeves' "Sugar" Shane Falco.


Now, there can be no doubt that the players planning to strike ahead of the Wales fixture against England in the Six Nations have for more legitimate reasons, we fully back them in their fight and don't believe anybody should cross that picket line if it happens (as we discussed on this week's podcast). But... that won't stop us speculating who could fill the shirts.


Bryn Terfel

Loose Head

Leading from the front and during the anthems. Bryn’s already led the choir and covered World in Union with Shirley Bassey, let him lead on the field.

 

Vanessa Shanessa Jenkins

Hooker

No nonsense, tough talking and with great ball handling skills from her time working with Steve Ogrizovic at Coventry City. Could bring back the gloves look.


 

Wynne Evans

Tighthead

Already a part of Welsh rugby folklore, if not necessarily for the right reason when he took to the Millennium Stadium turf with an ill fitting shirt and a flag before the All Blacks ran riot. Now his chance to write his own story.

 

Joe Calzaghe

Lock

Wales could do with a natural winner. Joe is 46 and 0 for his whole career. Not to mention, he’s spent the majority of his time training at Newbridge RFC.

 

Vinnie Jones

Lock

Another enforcer in the second row. Forget about Bakkies Botha and Victor Matfield, this is the most terrifying boiler house pairing.

 

Luke Evans

Blindside Flanker

His role as Gaston proved he’s something of a physical specimen and whilst saying that his rugby playing days prepared him for the role of Vlad the Impaler proved he may be something of a hard bastard on the pitch.

 

Jade Jones

Openside Flanker

From the Jac Morgan mould of small open sides punching well above their weight. Impressive and athletic, but a real danger of becoming a liability with potential red cards for head shots.

 

Huw Edwards

Number 8

His boxing training has him in peak physical shape and his calm demeanour makes him perfect to be the next cab off the rank at 8. Strong vibes of Faletau and Ryan Jones… less so of Ross “Chokehold” Moriarty, but what are you going to do?

 

Auntie Brenda

Scrum Half

Small, chopsy, fiesty. Every scrum half, but in the body of a Welsh mam. A terrifying thought and has never knowingly lost an argument in their life.


 

The Hoff

Outside Half

A sprinkle of Hollywood at 10. If this man can unite Germany and bring down the Berlin Wall, he can work wonders reuniting the nation behind the team and breakdown a Sinfield defence. And at 70, he’s still 20 years younger than Johnny Sexton.

 

Gareth Bale

Left Wing

We know the greatest British football player of his generation prioritises Wales over everything else - especially golf and Madrid - but now might be the time for him to pull on a rugby shirt for a change. He terrorised defenders from the left wing in the past, now he can do it again.

 

Carol Vorderman

Inside Centre

If there’s one thing we’ve learnt from Jiffy, it’s that a Welsh playmaker need the grasp of one thing… NUMBERS! That's why Vorders is a perfect play making 12 for this make shift team..

 

Christian Bale

Outside Centre

He’s fucking Batman. And that creepy as fuck bloke from Thor. But mostly Batman.

 

Bukayo Saka

Right Wing

Pace and footwork on the wing will make him a devastating finisher. Is he Welsh? Not yet. But the WRU’s plans to annex Ealing will surely make him eligible.

 

Rhys Ifans

Fullback

The star of The Replacements himself Nigel “The Leg” Gruff. Ability to kick the ball the length of the field makes him a danger from the tee that even Morne Steyn can’t match. Plus he’s more than capable of tearing it up on the rugby pitch as Bonymaen RFC found out from Twin Town.


And all that's left to ask is perhaps the most important question of all. Will the roof be open or closed?

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